


Silent Night

by DryDreams, foldingcranes



Series: Some kind of redemption story [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Fall of Overwatch, Post-Recall, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 10:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13121763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DryDreams/pseuds/DryDreams, https://archiveofourown.org/users/foldingcranes/pseuds/foldingcranes
Summary: Was this a special kind of self harm? A kind no one could see?To play memories of something he could never have again over and over in his mind and endure how they felt like a gut punch.





	Silent Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stuffy_j](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuffy_j/gifts).



The first Christmas after Zurich, Jack didn’t even know what day it was. It passed during the months long drunken haze he let himself fall into. In the end he isn't sure how he survived that period of time. Isn't sure he should have, or wanted to. 

The second Christmas He saw the first string of lights and then immediately retreated back to his current hideout, only leaving when he had to until New Years was over and all sign of festivities were gone. 

The third year he thought maybe he could be better than his mind. Went outside, bought a random kid a cup of cocoa, ignored the ache in his chest. Until he had a panic attack in a back alley, and decided between shuddering breaths that Christmas just wasn't his gig anymore.

After a few more years of difficult avoidance and more festive panics, he found himself nearing the holiday season with a friend. Ana had made herself known to him a few months back. They were holed up in Egypt, many unspoken words hanging like wet laundry on a line between them. 

“It always pains me not to go see Fareeha during the holidays,” she said offhandedly as they sat in a window looking out at the city. It's far off but they could still see the lights have changed colors, reds and greens dancing off the tall buildings. 

“Does she know?”

“Oh yes, she is the only one who knows. Other than you now, and possibly Angela. I'm sure Faree is still terrible at keeping things from her.”

Jack chuckled. “Well I surely don't count. I'm a ghost, same as you are.”

Ana turned a sharp eye on him. “You do know that you are still a man, Jack. We are both still flesh and blood, as much as we would like to think we have become nothing more than vengeful spirits.”

Jack squeezed his fist tightly, feeling the sting of self inflicted wounds that he used to try and remember exactly that--how fortunately mortal he was. Or unfortunately, he could never decide. On one hand the blessed silence that awaited him at the end was rather inviting.

On the other hand, if anyone deserved to be locked in an eternal torment, somewhere between human and ghost, cursed with anger and the duty of revenge...well. It certainly was Jack over Gabriel. Jack would bear that burden a million times over if it meant somehow he could save The Reaper from himself. 

“Do you think Gabriel still bleeds?” Jack whispered after a moment. 

Ana frowned severely at him. “Now Jack, you know I wasn't talking about--”

“But you were. You can't talk about us without him, Ana. What did we do any better than him? Why do we get to be flesh and blood, while he...while he…”

“Jack. Gabriel made his choices, same as us. We do all this to ourselves.”

Jack nodded only to appease her, but his mind did not stopped swirling with guilt. _I did this to him._

“I'm going back to the other side,” Jack said quietly and stood to leave. Ana let him go without another word but he knew there was an unspoken warning. She was expecting him to be there when she woke up.

As he walked out into the warm night air he shivered. Something in his mind had been expecting cold. It was a blessing being here, usually he could forget what time of year it was. Tonight was a lost cause. 

Absentmindedly he stopped at the edge of the steep cliff, looking out into the darkness. Visions flashed through his mind of a time that seemed so far away now it may as well have been another life. And Gabriel was the centerpiece, always Gabriel. Laughing, pouting, fighting. A light in Jack’s life.

A pang of sadness so tangible that he nearly doubled over shot through him and tears pricked behind his eyes. Quickly he backed away from the cliff as though it might take him of its own accord, and then Ana would kill him twice over. 

At any other time he would have drank until he couldn't remember anymore, but tonight...maybe it was self punishment, or maybe the longing for Gabe was so strong that the pain was worth it, but Jack wanted to remember. Was this a special kind of self harm? A kind no one could see? To play memories of something he could never have again over and over in his mind and endure how they felt like a gut punch. 

It wasn't as though Jack had no hope in him at all. There were plenty of fantastical ideas of saving Gabe running through his mind, finding some way to fix things between them, repent for his sins, bring his husband back home. 

But things could never be the same. No matter how hard he tried, even if he somehow got Gabriel back, or even found a way to make him normal again.

They could never have what they had before. They weren't the same. Overwatch was gone, along with their bright youth and their unfaltering love. Jack missed it like a hole in his chest and he knew that space would never be filled. 

He couldn't have his Gabriel back, not really. Not the Gabriel that didn't come with memories of pain and betrayal. Not the Gabriel who was young and kind and bright. And Jack couldn't give the same version of himself to Gabe, either. All he had of himself was broken and twisted, covered in new scars and haunted by past mistakes. 

With a tired sigh, Jack went back to the tomb that housed his things, and did his best to try and fall asleep like a normal person so Ana wouldn’t have to worry when she saw him in the morning. He slipped inside his sleeping bag quietly, and after a good while of tossing and turning, drifted off to sleep.

-

Jack woke up to someone shaking him.

“Hey, c’mon,” a familiar, warm voice said. “Rise and shine, sunshine, you promised to shovel the snow out of the entry today.”

“I did?” Jack asked sleepily. He rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and yawned, still not being able to fully open them. A hand rested on top of his head, fingers combined his messy hair.

“You did. To be fair, you were tipsy at the time _and_ I was balls deep inside you, but, you know. You promised.”

“Okay,” Jack groaned. “I’m getting up, I’m getting up. Just… give me five more minutes.” He dragged a hand down his face, then opened his eyes as Gabriel leaned over him to kiss his cheek.

“All right, lazy ass,” giving Jack one last pat on the cheek before going, Gabriel left him to his own devices so Jack could leave the bed and make himself look decent. He got up slowly, pushing the covers aside and leaving the comforting warmth of the duvet behind him, mind still fuzzy with sleep. Stretching as he walked towards the bathroom, Jack stopped in front of the mirror to take a quick look at himself.

His face had scars criss-crossing across it. He frowned, confused. Did he always have them? How did he get them? Why did he notice them just _now_?

“What’s this?” Jack whispered to himself, still puzzled. He could hear Gabriel’s voice coming from downstairs, telling him to get his ass in the kitchen ASAP for breakfast, but he ignored it in favour of trying to untangle the vague, unsettling feeling at the back of his mind. Feeling a little nauseous, his stomach rolled and cramped the more he tried to think about it.

Quickly, Jack opened the medicine cabinet and took a bottle of pills, not even bothering to fill a glass of water. He dry swallowed his medicine in one go, blinking away a couple of tears.

“Deep breaths,” he told himself, then went on washing himself and getting dressed properly for the cold weather. There were piles of snow outside their house ( _house?_ ) and by the time he reached the kitchen, Gabriel was waiting for him with huevos rancheros, toast and coffee.

“You took your sweet time,” he snorted, grabbing Jack by the waist and pulling him into a soft, slow kiss. Instantly, Jack looped his arms around Gabriel’s neck, holding onto him eagerly as they kissed. “Guess what, you dork, it’s fucking Christmas,” he pressed against Jack’s lips, then nipped at his chin, making him laugh.

“Thanks for the seasonal greeting, sweetheart,” Jack smiled, chest tight with affection. Gabriel only chuckled, pulling a chair out for Jack to sit in. Still smiling, Jack took it and sat, taking one look at his breakfast and feeling his mouth water at the sight of it, wondering why did he feel as if the last time he ate anything decent was years ago. Another wave of nausea hit him then, overwhelming him to the point of tears, and he vaguely recalled Gabriel leaving his seat and reaching for him, asking him what was wrong and resting a hand over his.

Gabriel’s hand was unusually cold, and Jack blinked at the odd sensation--

And then, they were sitting at their couch, sipping at hot cocoa in front of the tv, a warm blanket over their laps. Jack rubbed at his face, setting his mug on the coffee table as Gabriel turned towards him and frowned.

“You okay? Movie made you sad?” Gabriel asked. Jack wanted to laugh at the sheer innocence of that question.

“I’m okay,” he breathed deeply. “Just-- hold me.”

He tried to take Gabriel’s hand and lace their fingers together, but seemed to pass right through. Startled, he looked down. He saw their hands, clasped tightly, but he couldn’t feel it. Horror crawled up his throat as, before his eyes, Gabriel’s hand blackened as if set on fire, crumbling to ash and slipping through Jack’s fingers. Smoke swirled up around them, wrapping itself around Jack’s throat and he choked, looking back up at Gabriel, trying to cry for help. In Gabe’s place there was only darkness, roiling and alive, hissing. Something like fire flickered in the middle of it, but it was snuffed out as the black consumed Jack’s vision. He couldn’t breath, he tried to grab onto something to pull himself out but there was nothing, _he couldn’t breath--_

\--

Jack startled awake, truly this time, thrashing in his cot, soaked in sweat and panting. It took him a moment to catch his breath and then he was sobbing, curling in on himself, clutching the fabric of his sleeping bag like it was the only thing tethering him to reality. His chest ached and his head throbbed. The dream had felt so real, Gabriel had felt so close, and then…

Well. The nightmare had hit too close to home. Blearily Jack reached down to the ground and felt blindly for the bottle of whiskey he knew he had left there. When he found it his sweaty fingers slipped on the cool glass and he nearly dropped it, but he held it tightly and pushed up onto his elbows. It burned but he drank the entire thing in one go, not wanting to risk his stupid, SEP metabolism making it useless. Fuck memories, he was too much of a coward to deal with the dread sitting heavy in his gut. 

Exhausted but with sleep far out of sight until the alcohol kicked in, he curled back up under his covers. The sobs, which he had reduced to hiccups for a minute, returned in full force and he just let them consume him.

Behind his back, the shadows in the corner shifted and trickled across the floor, swirling as though they were greatly disturbed.

_You’re not the only coward here, Jackie._

_Rest well._

(Smoke vanished into the night. And then, just like that, he was gone.)

**Author's Note:**

> Why hello Julia  
> fancy meeting you here  
> so I was like, damn I have to write Julia something for Christmas, and it's gotta be sad as hell  
> and then Kasi was like "owo I can help"  
> so she did (for once, she wrote the fucking happy part, who are we)  
> and here we are  
> I hope you love it I LOVE YOU  
> (love Kate)
> 
> Ju, I hope you enjoy this fic because I love you and you are a very dear friend to me, words cannot express how happy and cherished you've made me feel since we became friends. (Love, Kasi!)


End file.
